How do I Disconnect the "Over-Analyze" feature??

What is it? When is it going to happen? Why has the pink elephant not appeared yet.....? You get my point.

I returned from an 8 day venture home a few days ago....5 of which were spent with New York in some capacity. The attraction with New York is real. Different than Lucifer, or Chance, but real none the less. His kisses carry a passion and a confidence that I have never experienced before. He is a man's man.

So what is it? Why do I find myself looking for reasons not to fall? Why is it that instead of letting my walls down, I am adding to them brick by brick? I am sure partially it is do to the fact that my never should have, and Lucifer burned me beyond recognition....maybe I am just waiting for New York to do the same thing, and the wall is there to block the impending doom. The difference? Perhaps, New York just might be willing to climb over it.

So why is it, when his phone rings, and he doesn't answer I wonder who it was? Why is it when I ask a question without receiving a direct answer I wonder what the rest of the truth is? Why is it when he reschedules or is running late, my mind is going 90-to-nothing to come up with the reason  behind it? Why am I completely and utterly unable to trust him? He has given me NO reason.... How broken am I? Am I fixable? Will there be someone out there willing to deal with the interrogations, and understand why they are there...or will I ever be able to let my guards down long enough to let him or someone in....I seriously doubt it.

It's kinda sad, ya know. This New York Character, he could be different, he could be the one who loves me fully and without question. But would I ever be able to allow him to? Will my past defer my future? It is quite possible that I could miss out on yet another Golden opportunity because I can't let go. I can't believe there are good guys out there.. Is it possible, that just this once, I mighta got dealt a decent hand?

"Paint me a Birmingham"

Triggers. We all have them. It could be a sound, smell, or a song that pops up on the radio...But whatever that trigger may be, it brings us back to a time and place when things were different. Maybe we go back there because deep down we feel there is "unfinished business", or maybe it's just a special time or person that we just don't want to forget.

Today, that very thing happened to me. . . I was driving home from work, and the song "Paint me a Birmingham" came on the radio....and instantly I was in North Alabama in a cold little apartment, heated by innocent love and pure passion. The weekends spent there with him were brief, but very real. At that time I had it all figured out. I had met HIM. There was no one else that could hold a candle to him.  I was the luckiest girl in the world. I was going to marry him. I knew it. We were going to settle down in a small southern town and live happily ever after. But life happened. The road forked, and almost 10 years later we have our own, very different, lives. And occasionally, we reconnect... and if only for a moment...I'm in "my Birmingham".

"Paint me a Birmingham, Make it look just the way it planned, a little house on the edge of town, porch going all the way around. Put her there in the front yard swing....cotton dress, make it early spring. For a while she'll be mine again, if you can paint me a Birmingham"