Four Days....

Four more days til I head north again. Four more days til' I fly my body to where my heart already is. It's insane. I was just home a month ago, but it feels like years. 

The best part of going home now is that it is just getting me ready little by little for the transition. The transition that with the help of amazing friends, an even more amazing mother, and a 6'6'' chunk of amazing  man has fast-forwarded immensely. I am going home....a decision that is definite. I have never been so sure of anything in my life. . . and I know I will start 2012 in a different place where my future can really begin. Life doesn't get much more exciting than that folks.

One week from this very moment, I will be in his arms. I don't know how else to explain it, but to say that at that moment. I am "home". It's different. It's scary. It's exciting all at the same time. I anticipate the hurt. I anticipate the pain. But it just never shows up. It's been replaced by a feeling of warmth and unconditional acceptance. If you had told me on March 30th that the arrogant asshole across the bar would have been stealing my heart...I would have politely told you that you could kiss my Yankee-hating ass. . . Funny how things turn out some time.

I'll keep you posted....

Defense Mechanism

I have a natural instinct. Some would call it a defense mechanism.  I feel myself getting close to someone and I begin stacking bricks....little by little I nit pick until I push away whoever that person is further and further away.

So this time I decided to do things a little different. I felt it happening...I felt the emotions closing in on New York...and almost instantly I felt the walls going up. I began  to question little things, and although they may have been merited in some way, I found very quickly that I was going to push this man away...so this time I picked up the phone. I called New York and I put it all on the table.

I shared my secret. my routine if you may. I told New York what I was doing and I asked him to stop me. I asked him to remind me that he was not the man that broke my heart. because for once, I felt like maybe, just maybe, this one could be worth the chance.

"I hope that you see right through my walls. I hope that you catch me, cause I'm already falling...You put your arms around me and I'm home."

 

How do I Disconnect the "Over-Analyze" feature??

What is it? When is it going to happen? Why has the pink elephant not appeared yet.....? You get my point.

I returned from an 8 day venture home a few days ago....5 of which were spent with New York in some capacity. The attraction with New York is real. Different than Lucifer, or Chance, but real none the less. His kisses carry a passion and a confidence that I have never experienced before. He is a man's man.

So what is it? Why do I find myself looking for reasons not to fall? Why is it that instead of letting my walls down, I am adding to them brick by brick? I am sure partially it is do to the fact that my never should have, and Lucifer burned me beyond recognition....maybe I am just waiting for New York to do the same thing, and the wall is there to block the impending doom. The difference? Perhaps, New York just might be willing to climb over it.

So why is it, when his phone rings, and he doesn't answer I wonder who it was? Why is it when I ask a question without receiving a direct answer I wonder what the rest of the truth is? Why is it when he reschedules or is running late, my mind is going 90-to-nothing to come up with the reason  behind it? Why am I completely and utterly unable to trust him? He has given me NO reason.... How broken am I? Am I fixable? Will there be someone out there willing to deal with the interrogations, and understand why they are there...or will I ever be able to let my guards down long enough to let him or someone in....I seriously doubt it.

It's kinda sad, ya know. This New York Character, he could be different, he could be the one who loves me fully and without question. But would I ever be able to allow him to? Will my past defer my future? It is quite possible that I could miss out on yet another Golden opportunity because I can't let go. I can't believe there are good guys out there.. Is it possible, that just this once, I mighta got dealt a decent hand?

"Paint me a Birmingham"

Triggers. We all have them. It could be a sound, smell, or a song that pops up on the radio...But whatever that trigger may be, it brings us back to a time and place when things were different. Maybe we go back there because deep down we feel there is "unfinished business", or maybe it's just a special time or person that we just don't want to forget.

Today, that very thing happened to me. . . I was driving home from work, and the song "Paint me a Birmingham" came on the radio....and instantly I was in North Alabama in a cold little apartment, heated by innocent love and pure passion. The weekends spent there with him were brief, but very real. At that time I had it all figured out. I had met HIM. There was no one else that could hold a candle to him.  I was the luckiest girl in the world. I was going to marry him. I knew it. We were going to settle down in a small southern town and live happily ever after. But life happened. The road forked, and almost 10 years later we have our own, very different, lives. And occasionally, we reconnect... and if only for a moment...I'm in "my Birmingham".

"Paint me a Birmingham, Make it look just the way it planned, a little house on the edge of town, porch going all the way around. Put her there in the front yard swing....cotton dress, make it early spring. For a while she'll be mine again, if you can paint me a Birmingham"

Christmas Countdown.

The year is 1985....I am kneeling in a kitchen chair, peeling back 24 and snatching the piece of chocolate before anyone else had the chance to get to it! The Christmas Countdown had begun!

That's how this feels. I know that in 18 days, 22 hours, 27 minutes and 46 seconds that New York will be picking me up from Logan Internatinal Airport...

It's funny how it's human nature to look forward to something...to count down the days until something marvelous happens. . . we just have to be careful not to let life pass us by as we wait for something else.

"The Smell"

I can't explain it other than to say there are some things that can not be forgotten. You can move on, you can start fresh, and you can put the past as far as you can possibly toss it behind you. But, some things just can't be forgotten.

I was standing there minding my own business....ok, let's be real I was watching this size 24 lady who had miraculously squeezed herself into a size 8 waddle into the restroom, and it hit me...That all too familiar...been on my pillow one to many times smell. I turned around to see him walking by.  Lucifer in all his glory passed me by without even a sideways glance. 

For just a second I felt a ting of pain. For a brief second I wanted to reach out and grab on to him. I wanted to know how he had forgotten about me, how he made it possible that I so quickly became a part of his past, another notch in his belt.....and then I remembered. I had forgotten too....until the smell brought me back.

"The best thing that ever happened"

At the time, if you had told me that my heart getting ripped out of my chest by someone I had spent 6 years convincing myself that I was going to marry, was the best thing that ever happened to me, I would have probably looked at you like you had 6 heads.

Last night I ran into my "never should have" for the first time in 6 months or so....I can honestly say it is the first time I have seen him since the big "It's not you, it's me spill" that I didn't feel a slight sting of pain. I just felt......nothing. Absolutely nothing. No love, no hate, no nothing.

He pulled out a chair for me at the bar and we talked. We talked about his soon to be adventure into parenthood, we talked about the past, and the future, but for once there were no what-ifs.  It was just conversation between two old friends. It was good. And then he said it. "If I had never left, you wouldn't be this new you, so I guess me leaving was the best thing that ever happened to you." And I offered a friendly, "Well, I don't know about that". But the more I sat and pondered it, I realized he was right, and at that moment I also realized that was the closest I would ever get to an apology, and I accepted it.

After 2 1/2 years, I found the peace and closure I was looking for....turns out it was there all along, I just didn't know where to look for it.

"I've dealt with my ghosts and I've faced all my demons, finally at peace with a past I regret..."

Dammit Chance.

So....I want to go on record and say I KNEW this would happen. I knew the very moment someone who actually showed interest in me popped into the picture, Chance would start to step his game up. The "I miss you" text flood gates have opened.

I've been here before. This territory is ALL to familiar and I don't like it one bit.(Remember, the one?) New York is sitting 22 hours away, patiently awaiting my return to the Northeast  (in 37 days to be exact)  and in pops Chance. I have a  theory. My theory is one I wish were not true, but in order for you to understand I need to provide a bit of historical data.

I began this year, 72 lbs heavier than I am today. Chance knew me at my heaviest, and the connection was there....regardless but he never made a move on it. My theory is that he was extremely uncomfortable of my size at the time. He, by no means, wanted to be seen cuddled up to someone who was not a Maxim model. Now, do keep in mind,  he is no Brad Pitt himself.  And one thing is for damn sure, if you can't love me when I am busting out of my plus size jeans, then you sure as hell do not deserve to reap the benefits of my shrinking physique.

More history, I meet New York in March. Probably about 50 lbs heavier than I am today. That is how he knew me. And at that weight, beer goggles or not, he found me "stunningly beautiful", and vocalized that several times.  Better Yet, when we reconnected on the 4th of July, He told me I looked nice, but little was discussed of the weight loss. Just that I was stunningly beautiful. He did, however re-iterate that he found me just as gorgeous that day in March as he did as we sat on the beach wall. That, my friends is acceptance.

History provided, and all things considered, is Chance's new found spark burning so bright because my waist line is shrinking, or is it because he knows there is a new player in the game?  (And Yes, I did share that information with him, and he informed me that it is absolutely appalling that I would talk to, let alone date a yankees fan)  Either way I doubt it is genuine....but who am I to know that for sure?

What I do know is this. I am tired of uncertainties, and where do we stands? I want consistency. . . and commitment. Both of which I think Chance is incapable of providing...

So I sit back and take it all in....and hope that my heart will provide some direction since my head has definitely tapped into over-analyzing mode...and on that note, I'm going for a run.

What's the Catch?

Well, it's been 4 days since I landed back in the land of the delta blues. The plane landed, but I was still floating up there on cloud 9.....and then the reality set in.

The reality that this new found spark was now 22 hours away from me. . .I could pick up the phone and call, but I could not reach out and touch...was the connection so strong that it was going to make it the 40 days until we reconnected? Didn't I say I wasn't going to over-analyze this? Didn't I say that for once in my life I was just going to let things happen, yah, well that lasted all of 48 hours.

I blame the undying love and support of my friends on the current disection taking place of my romantic situation. "What's the catch?" I do not have enough fingers and toes to add up the times I have been asked that question over the last 4 days.  So maybe I should provide a little background here. New York is older than me. Older as in the 10-15 year older bracket. He is single, never married, no kids, no baggage. So...."what's the catch?". For once in my life I would like to think there isn't one. I would like to believe that this 6'6'' chunk of awesomeness was just placed here for my own personal enjoyment and mine alone.  But is that realistic? I sure as hell hope so. Only time will tell. . .

New York

For every Red Sox fan there is one carnal sin, one that can not be forgiven, one that is so bad that it is not even spoken of in the innermost circles....and that my dear friends is the 11th commandment. Thou shall not date a Yankee's fan. Well effective immediately it is quite certain that I am going to hell.

Late March I took a trip home to visit, nothing out of the norm. First night in town I met up with my closest friends at our spot. I left at one point to do some shopping around the marketplace and walked back in to the bar to see HIM. Him who was sitting across the bar wearing a Yankees hat....not only wearing a Yankees hat, but a yankee's hat on opening day in a bar in Boston. Can someone say balls?

Well, there was no way in hell that I was about to let that happen, and certainly not after a couple of hours worth of liquid courage, so the trash talking began. Somewhere along the way I mustered up the courage to slip him my business card....so the Coors light must have blocked the fact that he was as die hard for the Yankees as I was for the Red Sox. At that point in time I am not quite sure what I was thinking...or if any thinking was involved at all...what I do know is that I woke up to a message from him the very next morning. We text back and forth over the last four months with a few phone calls sprinkled in between.

Then I went home this weekend, as I do every fourth of July. We made plans to get together. And Monday we sat on the beach wall and watched fireworks for a good 4 hours. You name it, we talked about it. And when he reached over and put his hand on mine. It happened. I felt butterflies. This had to be some kind of bad joke, right? Was I sitting here, snuggled up under the ultimate Yankee fan? Was this really happening? And did it feel right? Check . Check. Check. and Double Check. That's it folks, I'm screwed.

What I do know is I experienced a deeper connection in those four hours than I had with any penis having homosapien in the last 31 years. He asked permission to kiss me, and I gave it.  The kiss was real, and had meaning. Deep, but with no pretenses. To sum it up in one word, that first kiss, as we set on the beach wall with the ocean beating against the shore, and the fireworks going off in the background, was perfect.

And the next morning I found myself  back on a plane headed south with 3 hours worth of what ifs flooding my head. And it is at that point I made the choice, that for once in my life, I was just going to let whatever this wonderful thing happening around me may be, happen.

"Because maybe, you're gonna be the one that saves me, and after all...you're my wonderwall."

Lucky Soxx

How do you outline a story without painting the full picture of the main Character.

The name is Lucky. Lucky Soxx. I was born to a young Mother who married my Bermuda-Native Father to bypass having an "illegitamte child,  and spent my childhood years in a small seaside town outside of Boston.  My parents split when I was a toddler, and my Father remarried to my Evil Stepmother and proceeded to grace me with a sister and two brothers. 

Most of my life it was just Mom and me, and to be quite honest I was a-o-k with it. Then she fell in love with a demon spawn and we moved to ala-freakin-bama, where I finished out my junior and senior high school years. . . It wasn't all bad. I wish I could elaborate more on that but to be quite honest that part of my life was a blur that I choose not to remember much of....with the exception of Feb 2nd, 1998. That would be the night I crossed into womanhood, and no better place to do it than the locker room at LCHS, because if you're gonna get classy with it...go all out, Right? No holding back here.

I went to college. I joined a sorority. I fell in like with all the wrong boys. I did what every normal girl did, I fucked up. I then moved to a big Southern city to start fresh. I started my career, fell in love with the right one, and then the "never should have", and the rest is history.

For the last 10 years I've lived in this shithole of a city, constantly looking for a way out. I used to say it was my "never should have" that kept me here, then I blamed it on my career, then when I decided my career sucked the big one, I decided to blame it on the amazing friends that I have here...and that part is true. The best friends a girl could ask for, in the best part of this crapshoot there is that you can live, and of course then there was Chance....which I am beginning to think should be part of the 30 day cleanse, eh, but that's a story for a different day.

What do I want to do? I want to go home, back to the East Coast. Will I ever get there? Only God knows...but I will tell ya one thing...I got a compass pointing North.

"Come Here"

I enjoyed a super-relaxing confusion free day yesterday....poolside all day with some of my favorite people, great food, amazing sunshine, and even more amazing company. No Drama. No Lucifer. No Chance. I came home to change and head over to a friends house to watch the USA get robbed of the Gold Cup by Mexico, and came home to my cute little house to go to bed, dog in tow.

And then it happened. I heard the text message alert as I was filling Dog's bowl with water, I glanced up at the clock on the stove 11:26.  All my friends were in bed, or belly up to a bar somewhere. All but one. I grabbed a bottle of water and tossed back my daily dose of calm-the-fuck-down and headed to my bedroom. I tossed my laptop on the bed, picked up the latest Evanovich novel I was working on and grabbed my cell off the charger. The little envelope let me know I wasn't hearing things, and that I had missed not one but two text messages. I tapped  the envelope. "Two new text messages" I glanced over at Dog, "This outta be interesting." As I tapped the bar I saw both messages were from Chance, Chance who is out of town on a mini-vacay with some friends... The first one was only two words. "Come Here."  I rolled my eyes as I thought to myself, "That's not very nice. Why would he tease me with an invitation to be where he was, and even crazier why was I half-way considering it?" The second message simply stated, "Aww Come on!"  I was tired. Not just physically tired, but emotionally tired from wishing all our jokes and gestures were the real thing. So I did it. Put it out there. I simply replied. "I really wish you meant that." I sat my phone back on the charger knowing that would be the end of the conversation and just as I grabbed my book off the night stand my phone lit up. "I do." That's all it said. Short. Simple. To the point....my desire to drive those two hours to the lake multiplied by 1000... I tried to convince myself, 'you could definitely use a day out of this city." and whatever other thought I could conjure up to get myself in the car. . . Finally logic and reason set in so I picked up the phone, and typed the quick response, "What are we supposed to do when I get there at 2 AM Mr. Chance??" Instant reply, "Cuddle".

I sat my book back on the nightstand, plugged my phone back in, fluffed my pillow and went to sleep. I woke up this morning to the green light blinking... A message sent at 1:27AM simply stating, once again, "Come Here".  Did he mean it? Maybe. Guess we'll never really know...I'm going with it was probably just another roll of the dice in this never ending game we play.

"It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need you now..."

The EX.

All broken puzzles tell their story....all relationship-retarded people got that way somehow, right?? Well I would like to thank one very special contributor in my case. . . Ladies and Gentleman, I introduce you to my Ex. While I can't blame all of my "specialness" on him, he can certainly take credit for at least 6 years of damage!

The Ex stepped into the picture just as "The One" stepped out. I initially tried to set him up with my friend, I was not looking at all for a relationship, I was still very much in love with the one, but somewhere along the way gears shifted, and I inherited one Large, destructive, misleading, dishonest, goof who I firmly believe was born withouth a monogamy gene.  It wasn't all bad. The first year was storybook, then the first "I-don't-know-why-she-is-texting-me-thanks-for-a-great-night" entered the picture. But I was in love, and an idiot, so I forgave him and we carried on....(and probably so did they) The second year rolled around and I was graced with a nice little piece of bling that I wore proudly on my left hand because that meant I had him, right? No more games, no more lies, no more girls. Just me and him v/s the world....Uh huh. No. But I wanted the "American Dream" so bad that I didn't want to walk away from what I had spent years building. The years passed and we grew further and further apart until one day Six years later he delivered the "It's not you, it's me" talk, and it wasn't a week or so later I had the pleasure of meeting his girlfriend of 6 months. You do the math.

Now, almost three years have passed and until he knocked up the girl he cheated on me with I was still getting random hook-up invitations...so not-so-unfortunately for her nothing ever changed in the monogamy department.  They're perfect for eachother.

 I sit back and smile as I realize that Karma is a far bigger Bitch than I ever have to be.

Chance

And the plot thickens....

Time to introduce you to Chance, given this name because quite honestly, there's not a snowball's chance that anything would ever come of us in the relationship department. I am crazy about him. He has been a player in this game for just under a year, and in that year, has been the cause of many hours of laughter, and many more hours of sexual frustration.

A friend of a friend....a co-worker....(Damn that company ink)...and a partner in crime. We "get" eachother. We like the same things, dislike the same people, and tell the same bad jokes that no one but eachother find humor in. We cheer for the same sports teams, have the same breed of dog, and have made the same exact mistake in life.....we are the male/female version of eachother. I know what you're thinking, WTF? I know, Right? 90% of our jokes and witty comments are about our "future". We joke about marriage and moving away, having kids, the whole nine yards. At the end of the day he is the one laughing while, I have taken out my etch-a-sketch and drawn up the perfect little picture of what our future is supposed to look like.  And the Sucker award goes to....... Or does it? People see us and they think we are together.For the sake of sounding like a complete and utter cornball, who the fuck am I kidding-I am blogging about the lack of who-nanny in my life, I am the queen of the cornballs,  When we are I feel something -The eye contact is constant, but it has an intensity that can not be put into words...it melts me and folks, I'm an M&M kinda girl. . . .hard chocolate shell...takes a lot to get to me.....but that man! He leaves me feeling like I need more...more interaction...more attention...more whatever I can get a hold of -But what the hell am I supposed to do with a feeling....I'll tell ya what ya can't do with it !

The funny part to the story, is Chance is SO not my type. You would never pick him out of a line-up and say, "That's him. That's the one for Lucky".....never in a million years. He's short, well shorter than I prefer, 6'+ only for me please,  and he has freckles...two definate "NEXT" qualifiers in my book. . . but still he remains. No one gets it but me.

Now don't get me wrong people I am not sitting around waiting for the fact that I am basically amazing to hit him like a load of bricks, to be accompanied with a bout of "WTF am I doing? I have to get to her now." thoughts. I did, briefly, but following spending a weekend in the same bed without even an "accidental" brush up against me, I decided it was time to fold.

Does a part of me wish he would just get the picture, well of course, but in my deepest of hearts I know that you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink...and apparently this horse prefers something other than water. And so I continue on my journey....

"My heart is set on you....I don't want no one else....and if you don't want me....I guess I'll be.....all by myself."

Lucifer

Another day, another character introduction.

Today marks the first day of my 30-day cleanse....yes, I am serious.... of Lucifer. Zero contact. No IM, email, Facebook, text, phone calls, drive-bys, pop-ups, nada. zero.zilch. and I've made it 9pm, so that has got to count for something.
We all have something. French Fries, Chocolate Ice Cream, Expensive Shoes, Cold Beer, Shots of Whiskey, Cigarettes, a vice. Lucifer is mine. Lucifer is like a bad drug.....the high is amazing, and while you are soaring the view is breathtaking. . . BUT you crash, and you burn. Every. Single. Time.

History:
Lucifer and I have been friends(first mistake)and coworkers(second mistake) for many years. For several years we would make little sly comments  and do the casual flirty workplace BS you see on some dried up sitcom, and one day it all changed. He cornered me, and he kissed me. The ass kissed me at work,and well the last year and half are the results thereof.

The difference is I knew. I knew the reputation that preceded him. I knew the life he lived....and I walked right into his trap none-the-less...Hell, who am I kidding, I lifted the trap door and sat my happy ass down on my own. The attraction I had for him was the bait and it was easily taken. If I could paint the picture of what I wanted my husband to look like, how I wanted him to dress, smell, carry himself, I would have to do no less than take a portrait of Lucifer.

Now it is important that I state we were never in a relationship....looking back at times I think we pretended to be, but truth be told it was all a really bad act that Siskel and Ebert wouldn't even take the time to review.
I feel alot of things when I think about Lucifer, used and betrayed are at the top of the list,  and so
 we come full circle to the 30 day cleanse.....I believe that sometimes when there is something that is holding you back, or harming you in any way you have to purge yourself completely of the problem, and while I believe it is quite possible that Heroin would be easier to give up than Lucifer, it must be done none the less.

The old cliche' states, "Never make someone a priority in your life when you are merely an option in theirs."
SO......Mission : Free-yourself-of-a-selfish-arrogant-asshole-who-couldn't-give-a-rat's-ass-about-you-unless-he-needs-you-for-something : LAUNCHED  (I'm not bitter at all btw)  ;-)

The One

So I said I would save the post for another day, and as we have another day upon us, might as well go ahead and tell you about "the one".

Do I believe in a soulmate?  Not so much. Do I believe in soulmates? Most definitely. I believe a soulmate can be a friend or a lover, someone with whom you connect on an insane level. You have conversations with your eyes, and finish each other's sentences....They are those people you pick up the phone to call and your phone rings in mid-dial...you get the point.

That being said, I am also a hopeless romantic and I do believe there is someone out there for everyone...Someone's missing piece to the puzzle. I to this day believe I had that piece in my hand many years ago, and let it slip away. True story.

I was young, not young in the way of school and books, but emotionally young. Young enough to not see what was standing right in front of me, and young enough to take the easy road and fall for a guy that was "easier to access" if you will. I walked away from someone who very well could have been my "meant to be" to spend six years with my "should have never".

You can't go back? That's what they say....but I am a hopeless romantic, right? So maybe I find it a little "interesting" that we are both still single a decade later.....

And so my friends you have been introduced to my "what if"...

The Plan

The Plan. You know the one.  You graduate high school,  you and your closest friends go away to the same college, join the same sorority, somewhere along the way at some drunken frat party meet the man of your dreams, get married, start a career and live your little part of the American Dream. Yah. Not so much.

You can call me Lucky. Lucky Soxx. I am in my early thirties, have a career that I have convinced myself that I enjoy and a cute little home in a desirable part of town. I have a great group of friends, mostly all married with children, or close, and live thousands of miles away from my family with the exception of one ailing grandparent who lives across town. I have a dog, ...and the excitement never stops.  Thats the picture, hopefully I have painted it clearly to my foundation.

In my life now, I guess you could say I am dating. . . .and far too picky. I think when you've lost "the one" no one quite adds up, and well thats a post for another day. There are two key players now. One we will refer to as Lucifer. Why? Because to be quite honest, we go together like fire and gasoline, we are totally wrong for eachother, but the fire is intense, but he is not, and never will be mine.  The 2nd person, we will call, chance, for the obvious reasons. I am head over heels for him, but he will never know it. We have a great friendship and ridiculous fun together. But we have forever wedged ourselves into the "friend zone". And so at the end of the day I go to bed alone with Dog.

Now don't get me wrong, I want nothing more than the American Dream but I just can't seem to get around this never ending detour......