Four more days til I head north again. Four more days til' I fly my body to where my heart already is. It's insane. I was just home a month ago, but it feels like years.
The best part of going home now is that it is just getting me ready little by little for the transition. The transition that with the help of amazing friends, an even more amazing mother, and a 6'6'' chunk of amazing man has fast-forwarded immensely. I am going home....a decision that is definite. I have never been so sure of anything in my life. . . and I know I will start 2012 in a different place where my future can really begin. Life doesn't get much more exciting than that folks.
One week from this very moment, I will be in his arms. I don't know how else to explain it, but to say that at that moment. I am "home". It's different. It's scary. It's exciting all at the same time. I anticipate the hurt. I anticipate the pain. But it just never shows up. It's been replaced by a feeling of warmth and unconditional acceptance. If you had told me on March 30th that the arrogant asshole across the bar would have been stealing my heart...I would have politely told you that you could kiss my Yankee-hating ass. . . Funny how things turn out some time.
I'll keep you posted....
Monday, September 12, 2011
Sunday, September 4, 2011
Defense Mechanism
I have a natural instinct. Some would call it a defense mechanism. I feel myself getting close to someone and I begin stacking bricks....little by little I nit pick until I push away whoever that person is further and further away.
So this time I decided to do things a little different. I felt it happening...I felt the emotions closing in on New York...and almost instantly I felt the walls going up. I began to question little things, and although they may have been merited in some way, I found very quickly that I was going to push this man away...so this time I picked up the phone. I called New York and I put it all on the table.
I shared my secret. my routine if you may. I told New York what I was doing and I asked him to stop me. I asked him to remind me that he was not the man that broke my heart. because for once, I felt like maybe, just maybe, this one could be worth the chance.
So this time I decided to do things a little different. I felt it happening...I felt the emotions closing in on New York...and almost instantly I felt the walls going up. I began to question little things, and although they may have been merited in some way, I found very quickly that I was going to push this man away...so this time I picked up the phone. I called New York and I put it all on the table.
I shared my secret. my routine if you may. I told New York what I was doing and I asked him to stop me. I asked him to remind me that he was not the man that broke my heart. because for once, I felt like maybe, just maybe, this one could be worth the chance.
"I hope that you see right through my walls. I hope that you catch me, cause I'm already falling...You put your arms around me and I'm home."
Thursday, August 25, 2011
How do I Disconnect the "Over-Analyze" feature??
What is it? When is it going to happen? Why has the pink elephant not appeared yet.....? You get my point.
I returned from an 8 day venture home a few days ago....5 of which were spent with New York in some capacity. The attraction with New York is real. Different than Lucifer, or Chance, but real none the less. His kisses carry a passion and a confidence that I have never experienced before. He is a man's man.
So what is it? Why do I find myself looking for reasons not to fall? Why is it that instead of letting my walls down, I am adding to them brick by brick? I am sure partially it is do to the fact that my never should have, and Lucifer burned me beyond recognition....maybe I am just waiting for New York to do the same thing, and the wall is there to block the impending doom. The difference? Perhaps, New York just might be willing to climb over it.
So why is it, when his phone rings, and he doesn't answer I wonder who it was? Why is it when I ask a question without receiving a direct answer I wonder what the rest of the truth is? Why is it when he reschedules or is running late, my mind is going 90-to-nothing to come up with the reason behind it? Why am I completely and utterly unable to trust him? He has given me NO reason.... How broken am I? Am I fixable? Will there be someone out there willing to deal with the interrogations, and understand why they are there...or will I ever be able to let my guards down long enough to let him or someone in....I seriously doubt it.
It's kinda sad, ya know. This New York Character, he could be different, he could be the one who loves me fully and without question. But would I ever be able to allow him to? Will my past defer my future? It is quite possible that I could miss out on yet another Golden opportunity because I can't let go. I can't believe there are good guys out there.. Is it possible, that just this once, I mighta got dealt a decent hand?
I returned from an 8 day venture home a few days ago....5 of which were spent with New York in some capacity. The attraction with New York is real. Different than Lucifer, or Chance, but real none the less. His kisses carry a passion and a confidence that I have never experienced before. He is a man's man.
So what is it? Why do I find myself looking for reasons not to fall? Why is it that instead of letting my walls down, I am adding to them brick by brick? I am sure partially it is do to the fact that my never should have, and Lucifer burned me beyond recognition....maybe I am just waiting for New York to do the same thing, and the wall is there to block the impending doom. The difference? Perhaps, New York just might be willing to climb over it.
It's kinda sad, ya know. This New York Character, he could be different, he could be the one who loves me fully and without question. But would I ever be able to allow him to? Will my past defer my future? It is quite possible that I could miss out on yet another Golden opportunity because I can't let go. I can't believe there are good guys out there.. Is it possible, that just this once, I mighta got dealt a decent hand?
Thursday, August 11, 2011
"Paint me a Birmingham"
Triggers. We all have them. It could be a sound, smell, or a song that pops up on the radio...But whatever that trigger may be, it brings us back to a time and place when things were different. Maybe we go back there because deep down we feel there is "unfinished business", or maybe it's just a special time or person that we just don't want to forget.
Today, that very thing happened to me. . . I was driving home from work, and the song "Paint me a Birmingham" came on the radio....and instantly I was in North Alabama in a cold little apartment, heated by innocent love and pure passion. The weekends spent there with him were brief, but very real. At that time I had it all figured out. I had met HIM. There was no one else that could hold a candle to him. I was the luckiest girl in the world. I was going to marry him. I knew it. We were going to settle down in a small southern town and live happily ever after. But life happened. The road forked, and almost 10 years later we have our own, very different, lives. And occasionally, we reconnect... and if only for a moment...I'm in "my Birmingham".
Today, that very thing happened to me. . . I was driving home from work, and the song "Paint me a Birmingham" came on the radio....and instantly I was in North Alabama in a cold little apartment, heated by innocent love and pure passion. The weekends spent there with him were brief, but very real. At that time I had it all figured out. I had met HIM. There was no one else that could hold a candle to him. I was the luckiest girl in the world. I was going to marry him. I knew it. We were going to settle down in a small southern town and live happily ever after. But life happened. The road forked, and almost 10 years later we have our own, very different, lives. And occasionally, we reconnect... and if only for a moment...I'm in "my Birmingham".
"Paint me a Birmingham, Make it look just the way it planned, a little house on the edge of town, porch going all the way around. Put her there in the front yard swing....cotton dress, make it early spring. For a while she'll be mine again, if you can paint me a Birmingham"
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Christmas Countdown.
That's how this feels. I know that in 18 days, 22 hours, 27 minutes and 46 seconds that New York will be picking me up from Logan Internatinal Airport...
It's funny how it's human nature to look forward to something...to count down the days until something marvelous happens. . . we just have to be careful not to let life pass us by as we wait for something else.
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
"The Smell"
I can't explain it other than to say there are some things that can not be forgotten. You can move on, you can start fresh, and you can put the past as far as you can possibly toss it behind you. But, some things just can't be forgotten.
I was standing there minding my own business....ok, let's be real I was watching this size 24 lady who had miraculously squeezed herself into a size 8 waddle into the restroom, and it hit me...That all too familiar...been on my pillow one to many times smell. I turned around to see him walking by. Lucifer in all his glory passed me by without even a sideways glance.
For just a second I felt a ting of pain. For a brief second I wanted to reach out and grab on to him. I wanted to know how he had forgotten about me, how he made it possible that I so quickly became a part of his past, another notch in his belt.....and then I remembered. I had forgotten too....until the smell brought me back.
I was standing there minding my own business....ok, let's be real I was watching this size 24 lady who had miraculously squeezed herself into a size 8 waddle into the restroom, and it hit me...That all too familiar...been on my pillow one to many times smell. I turned around to see him walking by. Lucifer in all his glory passed me by without even a sideways glance.
For just a second I felt a ting of pain. For a brief second I wanted to reach out and grab on to him. I wanted to know how he had forgotten about me, how he made it possible that I so quickly became a part of his past, another notch in his belt.....and then I remembered. I had forgotten too....until the smell brought me back.
Monday, July 18, 2011
"The best thing that ever happened"
At the time, if you had told me that my heart getting ripped out of my chest by someone I had spent 6 years convincing myself that I was going to marry, was the best thing that ever happened to me, I would have probably looked at you like you had 6 heads.
Last night I ran into my "never should have" for the first time in 6 months or so....I can honestly say it is the first time I have seen him since the big "It's not you, it's me spill" that I didn't feel a slight sting of pain. I just felt......nothing. Absolutely nothing. No love, no hate, no nothing.
He pulled out a chair for me at the bar and we talked. We talked about his soon to be adventure into parenthood, we talked about the past, and the future, but for once there were no what-ifs. It was just conversation between two old friends. It was good. And then he said it. "If I had never left, you wouldn't be this new you, so I guess me leaving was the best thing that ever happened to you." And I offered a friendly, "Well, I don't know about that". But the more I sat and pondered it, I realized he was right, and at that moment I also realized that was the closest I would ever get to an apology, and I accepted it.
After 2 1/2 years, I found the peace and closure I was looking for....turns out it was there all along, I just didn't know where to look for it.
Last night I ran into my "never should have" for the first time in 6 months or so....I can honestly say it is the first time I have seen him since the big "It's not you, it's me spill" that I didn't feel a slight sting of pain. I just felt......nothing. Absolutely nothing. No love, no hate, no nothing.
He pulled out a chair for me at the bar and we talked. We talked about his soon to be adventure into parenthood, we talked about the past, and the future, but for once there were no what-ifs. It was just conversation between two old friends. It was good. And then he said it. "If I had never left, you wouldn't be this new you, so I guess me leaving was the best thing that ever happened to you." And I offered a friendly, "Well, I don't know about that". But the more I sat and pondered it, I realized he was right, and at that moment I also realized that was the closest I would ever get to an apology, and I accepted it.
After 2 1/2 years, I found the peace and closure I was looking for....turns out it was there all along, I just didn't know where to look for it.
"I've dealt with my ghosts and I've faced all my demons, finally at peace with a past I regret..."
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)