"Come Here"

I enjoyed a super-relaxing confusion free day yesterday....poolside all day with some of my favorite people, great food, amazing sunshine, and even more amazing company. No Drama. No Lucifer. No Chance. I came home to change and head over to a friends house to watch the USA get robbed of the Gold Cup by Mexico, and came home to my cute little house to go to bed, dog in tow.

And then it happened. I heard the text message alert as I was filling Dog's bowl with water, I glanced up at the clock on the stove 11:26.  All my friends were in bed, or belly up to a bar somewhere. All but one. I grabbed a bottle of water and tossed back my daily dose of calm-the-fuck-down and headed to my bedroom. I tossed my laptop on the bed, picked up the latest Evanovich novel I was working on and grabbed my cell off the charger. The little envelope let me know I wasn't hearing things, and that I had missed not one but two text messages. I tapped  the envelope. "Two new text messages" I glanced over at Dog, "This outta be interesting." As I tapped the bar I saw both messages were from Chance, Chance who is out of town on a mini-vacay with some friends... The first one was only two words. "Come Here."  I rolled my eyes as I thought to myself, "That's not very nice. Why would he tease me with an invitation to be where he was, and even crazier why was I half-way considering it?" The second message simply stated, "Aww Come on!"  I was tired. Not just physically tired, but emotionally tired from wishing all our jokes and gestures were the real thing. So I did it. Put it out there. I simply replied. "I really wish you meant that." I sat my phone back on the charger knowing that would be the end of the conversation and just as I grabbed my book off the night stand my phone lit up. "I do." That's all it said. Short. Simple. To the point....my desire to drive those two hours to the lake multiplied by 1000... I tried to convince myself, 'you could definitely use a day out of this city." and whatever other thought I could conjure up to get myself in the car. . . Finally logic and reason set in so I picked up the phone, and typed the quick response, "What are we supposed to do when I get there at 2 AM Mr. Chance??" Instant reply, "Cuddle".

I sat my book back on the nightstand, plugged my phone back in, fluffed my pillow and went to sleep. I woke up this morning to the green light blinking... A message sent at 1:27AM simply stating, once again, "Come Here".  Did he mean it? Maybe. Guess we'll never really know...I'm going with it was probably just another roll of the dice in this never ending game we play.

"It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need you now..."

The EX.

All broken puzzles tell their story....all relationship-retarded people got that way somehow, right?? Well I would like to thank one very special contributor in my case. . . Ladies and Gentleman, I introduce you to my Ex. While I can't blame all of my "specialness" on him, he can certainly take credit for at least 6 years of damage!

The Ex stepped into the picture just as "The One" stepped out. I initially tried to set him up with my friend, I was not looking at all for a relationship, I was still very much in love with the one, but somewhere along the way gears shifted, and I inherited one Large, destructive, misleading, dishonest, goof who I firmly believe was born withouth a monogamy gene.  It wasn't all bad. The first year was storybook, then the first "I-don't-know-why-she-is-texting-me-thanks-for-a-great-night" entered the picture. But I was in love, and an idiot, so I forgave him and we carried on....(and probably so did they) The second year rolled around and I was graced with a nice little piece of bling that I wore proudly on my left hand because that meant I had him, right? No more games, no more lies, no more girls. Just me and him v/s the world....Uh huh. No. But I wanted the "American Dream" so bad that I didn't want to walk away from what I had spent years building. The years passed and we grew further and further apart until one day Six years later he delivered the "It's not you, it's me" talk, and it wasn't a week or so later I had the pleasure of meeting his girlfriend of 6 months. You do the math.

Now, almost three years have passed and until he knocked up the girl he cheated on me with I was still getting random hook-up invitations...so not-so-unfortunately for her nothing ever changed in the monogamy department.  They're perfect for eachother.

 I sit back and smile as I realize that Karma is a far bigger Bitch than I ever have to be.

Chance

And the plot thickens....

Time to introduce you to Chance, given this name because quite honestly, there's not a snowball's chance that anything would ever come of us in the relationship department. I am crazy about him. He has been a player in this game for just under a year, and in that year, has been the cause of many hours of laughter, and many more hours of sexual frustration.

A friend of a friend....a co-worker....(Damn that company ink)...and a partner in crime. We "get" eachother. We like the same things, dislike the same people, and tell the same bad jokes that no one but eachother find humor in. We cheer for the same sports teams, have the same breed of dog, and have made the same exact mistake in life.....we are the male/female version of eachother. I know what you're thinking, WTF? I know, Right? 90% of our jokes and witty comments are about our "future". We joke about marriage and moving away, having kids, the whole nine yards. At the end of the day he is the one laughing while, I have taken out my etch-a-sketch and drawn up the perfect little picture of what our future is supposed to look like.  And the Sucker award goes to....... Or does it? People see us and they think we are together.For the sake of sounding like a complete and utter cornball, who the fuck am I kidding-I am blogging about the lack of who-nanny in my life, I am the queen of the cornballs,  When we are I feel something -The eye contact is constant, but it has an intensity that can not be put into words...it melts me and folks, I'm an M&M kinda girl. . . .hard chocolate shell...takes a lot to get to me.....but that man! He leaves me feeling like I need more...more interaction...more attention...more whatever I can get a hold of -But what the hell am I supposed to do with a feeling....I'll tell ya what ya can't do with it !

The funny part to the story, is Chance is SO not my type. You would never pick him out of a line-up and say, "That's him. That's the one for Lucky".....never in a million years. He's short, well shorter than I prefer, 6'+ only for me please,  and he has freckles...two definate "NEXT" qualifiers in my book. . . but still he remains. No one gets it but me.

Now don't get me wrong people I am not sitting around waiting for the fact that I am basically amazing to hit him like a load of bricks, to be accompanied with a bout of "WTF am I doing? I have to get to her now." thoughts. I did, briefly, but following spending a weekend in the same bed without even an "accidental" brush up against me, I decided it was time to fold.

Does a part of me wish he would just get the picture, well of course, but in my deepest of hearts I know that you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink...and apparently this horse prefers something other than water. And so I continue on my journey....

"My heart is set on you....I don't want no one else....and if you don't want me....I guess I'll be.....all by myself."

Lucifer

Another day, another character introduction.

Today marks the first day of my 30-day cleanse....yes, I am serious.... of Lucifer. Zero contact. No IM, email, Facebook, text, phone calls, drive-bys, pop-ups, nada. zero.zilch. and I've made it 9pm, so that has got to count for something.
We all have something. French Fries, Chocolate Ice Cream, Expensive Shoes, Cold Beer, Shots of Whiskey, Cigarettes, a vice. Lucifer is mine. Lucifer is like a bad drug.....the high is amazing, and while you are soaring the view is breathtaking. . . BUT you crash, and you burn. Every. Single. Time.

History:
Lucifer and I have been friends(first mistake)and coworkers(second mistake) for many years. For several years we would make little sly comments  and do the casual flirty workplace BS you see on some dried up sitcom, and one day it all changed. He cornered me, and he kissed me. The ass kissed me at work,and well the last year and half are the results thereof.

The difference is I knew. I knew the reputation that preceded him. I knew the life he lived....and I walked right into his trap none-the-less...Hell, who am I kidding, I lifted the trap door and sat my happy ass down on my own. The attraction I had for him was the bait and it was easily taken. If I could paint the picture of what I wanted my husband to look like, how I wanted him to dress, smell, carry himself, I would have to do no less than take a portrait of Lucifer.

Now it is important that I state we were never in a relationship....looking back at times I think we pretended to be, but truth be told it was all a really bad act that Siskel and Ebert wouldn't even take the time to review.
I feel alot of things when I think about Lucifer, used and betrayed are at the top of the list,  and so
 we come full circle to the 30 day cleanse.....I believe that sometimes when there is something that is holding you back, or harming you in any way you have to purge yourself completely of the problem, and while I believe it is quite possible that Heroin would be easier to give up than Lucifer, it must be done none the less.

The old cliche' states, "Never make someone a priority in your life when you are merely an option in theirs."
SO......Mission : Free-yourself-of-a-selfish-arrogant-asshole-who-couldn't-give-a-rat's-ass-about-you-unless-he-needs-you-for-something : LAUNCHED  (I'm not bitter at all btw)  ;-)

The One

So I said I would save the post for another day, and as we have another day upon us, might as well go ahead and tell you about "the one".

Do I believe in a soulmate?  Not so much. Do I believe in soulmates? Most definitely. I believe a soulmate can be a friend or a lover, someone with whom you connect on an insane level. You have conversations with your eyes, and finish each other's sentences....They are those people you pick up the phone to call and your phone rings in mid-dial...you get the point.

That being said, I am also a hopeless romantic and I do believe there is someone out there for everyone...Someone's missing piece to the puzzle. I to this day believe I had that piece in my hand many years ago, and let it slip away. True story.

I was young, not young in the way of school and books, but emotionally young. Young enough to not see what was standing right in front of me, and young enough to take the easy road and fall for a guy that was "easier to access" if you will. I walked away from someone who very well could have been my "meant to be" to spend six years with my "should have never".

You can't go back? That's what they say....but I am a hopeless romantic, right? So maybe I find it a little "interesting" that we are both still single a decade later.....

And so my friends you have been introduced to my "what if"...

The Plan

The Plan. You know the one.  You graduate high school,  you and your closest friends go away to the same college, join the same sorority, somewhere along the way at some drunken frat party meet the man of your dreams, get married, start a career and live your little part of the American Dream. Yah. Not so much.

You can call me Lucky. Lucky Soxx. I am in my early thirties, have a career that I have convinced myself that I enjoy and a cute little home in a desirable part of town. I have a great group of friends, mostly all married with children, or close, and live thousands of miles away from my family with the exception of one ailing grandparent who lives across town. I have a dog, ...and the excitement never stops.  Thats the picture, hopefully I have painted it clearly to my foundation.

In my life now, I guess you could say I am dating. . . .and far too picky. I think when you've lost "the one" no one quite adds up, and well thats a post for another day. There are two key players now. One we will refer to as Lucifer. Why? Because to be quite honest, we go together like fire and gasoline, we are totally wrong for eachother, but the fire is intense, but he is not, and never will be mine.  The 2nd person, we will call, chance, for the obvious reasons. I am head over heels for him, but he will never know it. We have a great friendship and ridiculous fun together. But we have forever wedged ourselves into the "friend zone". And so at the end of the day I go to bed alone with Dog.

Now don't get me wrong, I want nothing more than the American Dream but I just can't seem to get around this never ending detour......