How do I Disconnect the "Over-Analyze" feature??

What is it? When is it going to happen? Why has the pink elephant not appeared yet.....? You get my point.

I returned from an 8 day venture home a few days ago....5 of which were spent with New York in some capacity. The attraction with New York is real. Different than Lucifer, or Chance, but real none the less. His kisses carry a passion and a confidence that I have never experienced before. He is a man's man.

So what is it? Why do I find myself looking for reasons not to fall? Why is it that instead of letting my walls down, I am adding to them brick by brick? I am sure partially it is do to the fact that my never should have, and Lucifer burned me beyond recognition....maybe I am just waiting for New York to do the same thing, and the wall is there to block the impending doom. The difference? Perhaps, New York just might be willing to climb over it.

So why is it, when his phone rings, and he doesn't answer I wonder who it was? Why is it when I ask a question without receiving a direct answer I wonder what the rest of the truth is? Why is it when he reschedules or is running late, my mind is going 90-to-nothing to come up with the reason  behind it? Why am I completely and utterly unable to trust him? He has given me NO reason.... How broken am I? Am I fixable? Will there be someone out there willing to deal with the interrogations, and understand why they are there...or will I ever be able to let my guards down long enough to let him or someone in....I seriously doubt it.

It's kinda sad, ya know. This New York Character, he could be different, he could be the one who loves me fully and without question. But would I ever be able to allow him to? Will my past defer my future? It is quite possible that I could miss out on yet another Golden opportunity because I can't let go. I can't believe there are good guys out there.. Is it possible, that just this once, I mighta got dealt a decent hand?

"Paint me a Birmingham"

Triggers. We all have them. It could be a sound, smell, or a song that pops up on the radio...But whatever that trigger may be, it brings us back to a time and place when things were different. Maybe we go back there because deep down we feel there is "unfinished business", or maybe it's just a special time or person that we just don't want to forget.

Today, that very thing happened to me. . . I was driving home from work, and the song "Paint me a Birmingham" came on the radio....and instantly I was in North Alabama in a cold little apartment, heated by innocent love and pure passion. The weekends spent there with him were brief, but very real. At that time I had it all figured out. I had met HIM. There was no one else that could hold a candle to him.  I was the luckiest girl in the world. I was going to marry him. I knew it. We were going to settle down in a small southern town and live happily ever after. But life happened. The road forked, and almost 10 years later we have our own, very different, lives. And occasionally, we reconnect... and if only for a moment...I'm in "my Birmingham".

"Paint me a Birmingham, Make it look just the way it planned, a little house on the edge of town, porch going all the way around. Put her there in the front yard swing....cotton dress, make it early spring. For a while she'll be mine again, if you can paint me a Birmingham"

Christmas Countdown.

The year is 1985....I am kneeling in a kitchen chair, peeling back 24 and snatching the piece of chocolate before anyone else had the chance to get to it! The Christmas Countdown had begun!

That's how this feels. I know that in 18 days, 22 hours, 27 minutes and 46 seconds that New York will be picking me up from Logan Internatinal Airport...

It's funny how it's human nature to look forward to something...to count down the days until something marvelous happens. . . we just have to be careful not to let life pass us by as we wait for something else.

"The Smell"

I can't explain it other than to say there are some things that can not be forgotten. You can move on, you can start fresh, and you can put the past as far as you can possibly toss it behind you. But, some things just can't be forgotten.

I was standing there minding my own business....ok, let's be real I was watching this size 24 lady who had miraculously squeezed herself into a size 8 waddle into the restroom, and it hit me...That all too familiar...been on my pillow one to many times smell. I turned around to see him walking by.  Lucifer in all his glory passed me by without even a sideways glance. 

For just a second I felt a ting of pain. For a brief second I wanted to reach out and grab on to him. I wanted to know how he had forgotten about me, how he made it possible that I so quickly became a part of his past, another notch in his belt.....and then I remembered. I had forgotten too....until the smell brought me back.

"The best thing that ever happened"

At the time, if you had told me that my heart getting ripped out of my chest by someone I had spent 6 years convincing myself that I was going to marry, was the best thing that ever happened to me, I would have probably looked at you like you had 6 heads.

Last night I ran into my "never should have" for the first time in 6 months or so....I can honestly say it is the first time I have seen him since the big "It's not you, it's me spill" that I didn't feel a slight sting of pain. I just felt......nothing. Absolutely nothing. No love, no hate, no nothing.

He pulled out a chair for me at the bar and we talked. We talked about his soon to be adventure into parenthood, we talked about the past, and the future, but for once there were no what-ifs.  It was just conversation between two old friends. It was good. And then he said it. "If I had never left, you wouldn't be this new you, so I guess me leaving was the best thing that ever happened to you." And I offered a friendly, "Well, I don't know about that". But the more I sat and pondered it, I realized he was right, and at that moment I also realized that was the closest I would ever get to an apology, and I accepted it.

After 2 1/2 years, I found the peace and closure I was looking for....turns out it was there all along, I just didn't know where to look for it.

"I've dealt with my ghosts and I've faced all my demons, finally at peace with a past I regret..."

Dammit Chance.

So....I want to go on record and say I KNEW this would happen. I knew the very moment someone who actually showed interest in me popped into the picture, Chance would start to step his game up. The "I miss you" text flood gates have opened.

I've been here before. This territory is ALL to familiar and I don't like it one bit.(Remember, the one?) New York is sitting 22 hours away, patiently awaiting my return to the Northeast  (in 37 days to be exact)  and in pops Chance. I have a  theory. My theory is one I wish were not true, but in order for you to understand I need to provide a bit of historical data.

I began this year, 72 lbs heavier than I am today. Chance knew me at my heaviest, and the connection was there....regardless but he never made a move on it. My theory is that he was extremely uncomfortable of my size at the time. He, by no means, wanted to be seen cuddled up to someone who was not a Maxim model. Now, do keep in mind,  he is no Brad Pitt himself.  And one thing is for damn sure, if you can't love me when I am busting out of my plus size jeans, then you sure as hell do not deserve to reap the benefits of my shrinking physique.

More history, I meet New York in March. Probably about 50 lbs heavier than I am today. That is how he knew me. And at that weight, beer goggles or not, he found me "stunningly beautiful", and vocalized that several times.  Better Yet, when we reconnected on the 4th of July, He told me I looked nice, but little was discussed of the weight loss. Just that I was stunningly beautiful. He did, however re-iterate that he found me just as gorgeous that day in March as he did as we sat on the beach wall. That, my friends is acceptance.

History provided, and all things considered, is Chance's new found spark burning so bright because my waist line is shrinking, or is it because he knows there is a new player in the game?  (And Yes, I did share that information with him, and he informed me that it is absolutely appalling that I would talk to, let alone date a yankees fan)  Either way I doubt it is genuine....but who am I to know that for sure?

What I do know is this. I am tired of uncertainties, and where do we stands? I want consistency. . . and commitment. Both of which I think Chance is incapable of providing...

So I sit back and take it all in....and hope that my heart will provide some direction since my head has definitely tapped into over-analyzing mode...and on that note, I'm going for a run.

What's the Catch?

Well, it's been 4 days since I landed back in the land of the delta blues. The plane landed, but I was still floating up there on cloud 9.....and then the reality set in.

The reality that this new found spark was now 22 hours away from me. . .I could pick up the phone and call, but I could not reach out and touch...was the connection so strong that it was going to make it the 40 days until we reconnected? Didn't I say I wasn't going to over-analyze this? Didn't I say that for once in my life I was just going to let things happen, yah, well that lasted all of 48 hours.

I blame the undying love and support of my friends on the current disection taking place of my romantic situation. "What's the catch?" I do not have enough fingers and toes to add up the times I have been asked that question over the last 4 days.  So maybe I should provide a little background here. New York is older than me. Older as in the 10-15 year older bracket. He is single, never married, no kids, no baggage. So...."what's the catch?". For once in my life I would like to think there isn't one. I would like to believe that this 6'6'' chunk of awesomeness was just placed here for my own personal enjoyment and mine alone.  But is that realistic? I sure as hell hope so. Only time will tell. . .